Parenting after loss: Month 3

My rainbow babygirl is three months old now. She is no longer a newborn by all standards and my heart is breaking. She’s growing up way too quickly, I just want time to slow down. I also want time to speed up to where she can talk to me and I actually understand what she’s saying. She does communicate now and sometimes I have a feeling I comprehend what she’s saying based on what’s going on and her facial expressions.

PrincessLydia is more than a dream come true. But parenting after loss….so much loss is very difficult. My anxiety is high sometimes, I’m very protective and attached to her. Being a therapist, I worry that this may grow to an unhealthy level but I can’t help it. I’ve longed for this for so long.

Sometimes when I look at PrincessLydia I see traces of her brothers, particularly Daxton. It’s just so unfair that the boys aren’t here. PrincessLydia is a trigger for me and that’s okay. I smile when I hold her but sometimes I cry. I miss the boys so much.

I see all the things PrincessLydia is doing and I wonder what it would have been like with the boys. She’s so smart, so advanced, so beautiful and so sassy.

Sometimes I apologize to her because I seriously don’t know what I’m doing and have probably made a ton of mistakes already. I second guess everything I do. But I’m so eager to learn. One day her bottle fell from my hand and hit her on the forehead leaving a mark and I literally cried for 25 minutes but she cried for just a few minutes. I’ve switched her formula a couple of times which I think made her constipation worse and seeing her in that much discomfort made me want to scream.

I worry about the future. I plan on spoiling my daughter and giving her anything she wants, I hope that she is still a good person. I plan on teaching her the right way to treat people. People matter, material things do not. But she is my only child and I plan on giving her the world. I hope I can discipline at the right moments because all I want to do is love this child of mine. I really hope she turns out well. She is my child so I know she may not be tactful until she’s in her 20s but that’s okay. I hope that she can see how hard I’ve worked and that she will be humble and always have faith.

People think the happiest day of my life has to be the day PrincessLydia was born. Nope, I was in pain and I don’t remember anything until two days later when I had to go into surgery again. The happiest day of my life was the day I brought my baby home from the hospital. Walking out of the hospital with a baby felt like winning a million dollars (or least what I imagine winning a million dollars would feel like). I felt victorious…..but I also lowly felt like it was a dream or that someone would come up to me and say I grabbed the wrong baby and that the one who belongs to me died. The anxiety of having a rainbow baby is like none other.

Never the less, I am so grateful and blessed to have this little girl. We will learn this being a mother and daughter duo thing together.

What a difference a year makes….

So my c section was scheduled for December 1st but on November 25th, I was monitoring my blood pressure at home and it was higher than it usually is. I already had high blood pressure but if I recall correctly on that day it was 165/92 and then a few hours later 171/90. I’m usually in the 140s and not above 90. So I called my MFM’s office and said I’ll be heading to the hospital. I was worried about pre eclampsia.

Sure enough when I got there, it didn’t take long for them to diagnose me with pre eclampsia. They said I’d be staying in the hospital until I deliver. My MFM Dr Tabor was on call the next day and I asked if I could wait until he’s on so he can deliver my baby. The MFM that night said as long as things don’t get worse during the night, we can wait until morning. Luckily things remained the same.

So on November 26th at 2:03pm I gave birth by c section to PrincessLydia Faith Ndome Ekobena. She weighed in at 5lbs 8oz and was 18.5 inches long. I was 34 weeks and 3 days. It went pretty well but I did have some post partum hemorrhaging. I didn’t think much of it as they gave me three units of blood. I had also received blood during surgery.

Well two days later on November 28th, my hemoglobin was at 5.2 and they couldn’t understand why it was so low when I had received all that blood. They did ct scan which revealed internal bleeding in my abdomen and a hole in my uterine cavity. Dr Tabor said they have to open me back up.

I was in a state of panic because I’ve watched enough episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and seen folks die from bleeding out during exploratory laporotomies. I said I need to update my family and they said yes I should call them…..again a sign this might not end well. The room was full of people and they wheeled me off to surgery.

I woke up in what looked like a cubicle. People around me but nobody talking to me. Finally someone said something to me and I said I’m waiting for someone to take me back to my room. The person said “this is your room. You are in the icu”, I had IVs and tubes everywhere. I also didn’t have staples or sutures on my incision. I was told later that because of how much blood I lost, it was best for me to get a wound vac Incase they need to go in again. So I’ve had the “pleasure” of carrying around a portable wound vac with me and I have a nurse who comes to change the dressing three times a week.

Later on, Dr Tabor came and explained to me that I almost bled out and he had a really hard time controlling the bleeding. He reached out to an oncologist to ask if she had any tricks on stopping it. But by the time she got there, the bleeding was under control. She did put some seals or something to keep it that way. Dr Tabor said “I don’t know if you saw the light but it was coming for you”. The day I got discharged, he thanked me for not dying. One of the other MFMs in his practice told me Dr said I tried to die on him. I joked and said Dr Tabor tried to kill me. The way he continuously brought it up makes me think it must have been pretty bad.

How sad would that have been? To finally have a living child but die two days after delivery smh. I’m so grateful to be alive. Thankful to Dr Tabor and to God. I still cry thinking about it.

Throughout all this, PrincessLydia was fine. She was on the cpap for a few hours after birth but then she was on room air, had no trouble eating and was able to regulate her body temperature. Her nicu doctor said the ivig I was on during my pregnancy really helped her. Mommy for the win! Those treatments were brutal. 8 hours each treatment and treatments twice a week beginning at 11 weeks. My face badly broke out, I had nose bleeds, ear infections, my heart raced, I even had a heart attack, migraines from hell but it was all worth it! But because of me being treated, she didn’t have any brain bleeds, she didn’t need platelet transfusions or ivig treatment herself.

You gotta go with your gut regardless of what the doctors say. My docs in Houston (the ones monitoring my ivig treatment) kept pushing me to start the high dose steroids from 20 weeks on but I didn’t want to. I made my own schedule and they said I’m not getting the optimum treatment so they can’t guarantee it’ll work. I said even with treatment the way they want it, they still can’t guarantee it. Well my way worked just fine. She was born with a platelet count of 153k and by the time she left the hospital it was at 238k!

The second surgery really slowed my recovery. I was in the hospital for almost two weeks. Bringing PrincessLydia home was so surreal. I’ve never left that hospital with a baby. It’s the hospital I delivered Declan, Dalton and Daxton. I know they are all looking down and watching over their sister. Anferney as well.

I’m so overjoyed and blessed to have this precious little girl. She has such a huge personality already and I’m loving every minute of being her mom.

It’s funny that on this day last year, I found out the man I thought I would marry had another relationship which started before ours did. This day filled with confusion and anger last year. This year I’m all smiles looking at my beautiful daughter!

Milestone #1 accomplished

So….we are a week out from the dreaded day and I’m now 22 weeks 1 day with precious daughter who is fiesty and kicking up a storm inside me. Some of her kicks actually hurt too lol but I love every minute of them!

The treatment is working even without the prednisone. PrincessLydia does not have any brain bleeds. She has a beautiful, perfect brain. I pray things continue to go well and in 13 weeks I’ll be holding my daughter!

My c section is scheduled for December 1st which is the day I have birth to my stillborn twins Declan and Dalton.

I’m praying her platelets are high and she doesn’t need a transfusion. Hoping I can bring her home with me without a Nicu stay. I’m nervous about bringing a baby home but I can’t wait!!!

Anxiety in silence

I wanted to get my thoughts down during this time but you all won’t see this for another three months. It isn’t public knowledge but I am currently pregnant and expecting my first daughter on my first sons birthday. Ironic huh? Well this is week is filled with so much anxiety for me because if my treatments aren’t working, my daughter will die in 5 days. My NAIT babies pass away at 21 weeks 1 day gestation. This happens to also fall on my brother Marshall’s wedding day.

Part of me is glad I’ll be with my family on this day should my daughters heart stop beating but that’s not how I want to remember my brothers wedding and I pray God let’s me keep her.

My treatments have been coming along well and we do not see any brain bleeds. My MFM (maternal fetal medicine) doctor has even allowed me to have two brain scans this week to help calm my nerves. It’s so hard because you want to think it won’t happen again but it has already happened more than once. I feel confident in the treatment and this is the first time I’ve had this treatment so the outcome has to be different. But sheesh, relaxing is easier said than done. I haven’t announced this pregnancy for obvious reasons but she is very loved and wanted. I never thought I would have a daughter after all my boys so it’s very exciting for me.

A lot of kids also started school this week and this would be when my Anferney would be starting kindergarten. Seeing all these little ones and wondering what my little guy would have been like….it’s just a dream that will never become reality. This is just the beginning. In the years to come there will be 8th grade dances, prom, graduation, college etc….and I’ll always wonder what my first born would have been like through all these different phases and transitions.

I suffer in silence. My siblings are supportive but again, there’s nothing they can do so I don’t share all these thoughts and feelings with them often. I have a sister who is about a week or behind me in pregnancy. Feels like deja vu. I was in this same position last year and now that sister has a son and my Daxton’s ashes are above my fireplace. I pray me and this sister can raise our babies together on earth.

I’ve had so many issue during this pregnancy and I pray it’s all worth it. The only thing that’ll make it worth it is bribing my babygirl home. I do have anxiety about that as well. I’ve even had dreams about it. In my dreams I have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t know how to make formula and I have no milk coming out of my breasts. Anxiety sucks! Of course I know how to make formula and I also have more breast milk than needed lol but the brain plays tricks on us sometimes. I hope that when I write in a few days, I’m letting you know that my daughter is still safe in my tummy.

Daxton’s 1st birthday

Today is my last baby boys 1st birthday. He actually passed away inside me on July 21st, 2017 which was a Friday and my c section was scheduled for the following Monday.

A lot has happened over the past week and some things I’m not ready to share yet but in time I will. As most people know, I’m severely anemic. It hasn’t really affected me until about a month or so ago. There was a day last week I woke up feeling weaker than usual. It took me way longer to get ready for work and I was feeling kinda lightheaded. I had a gap in my schedule so I planned on going to the ER, getting confirmation that my hemoglobin has gone down (it was 8.3 two days prior) and o figured that would be enough to get my doctors to put me on iron infusions. So I went to work for a few hours, then went to the closest ER. My hemoglobin had actually gone up, but not by much (9.9). They said I just need to rest. I argued saying I shouldn’t be feeling this weak. They said I could go to a larger ER. Well I didn’t have time for that nonsense so I went back to work. I finished my day, went to the chiropractor and went to the grocery store. Then I went to the larger ER. I explained my issues and asked if they could check my heart because I had been having strange palpitations and the shortness of breath. They ran a bunch of tests and long story short, I had a heart attack. I stayed at the hospital and had more tests ran and levels checked for a couple of days until they went back to normal. I get the pleasure of seeing a cardiologist moving forward. The heart attack was a side effect from a migraine medication I take….well used to take.

Now I’m a huge Grey’s Anatomy fan and this made me think of the episode where a lady had been coming to the hospital on the same date for three years with symptoms of a heart attack and it turned out that was the date the man she loved died. I wondered if I was having a broken heart in response to my baby boy’s birthday coming up. My babies mean the world to me and it hurts like hell not having them with me.

I’m doing better now but still very stressed about other issues. I’m not one to talk about my problems until they’ve been solved so soon enough I’ll share but for now I just ask that you all keep me in your prayers.

I asked my Dax to provide a solution to another medical issue I’ve been dealing with and it seems like it has been resolved so I thank my baby boy for looking out for me. I wish I could have saved him. Love you so much, Dax! I know your brothers are making today special for you up there.

Heart attacks look very different on men than on women. Ladies, listen to your bodies and be your own advocate. I did not have chest pain or numbness down my arm. I had shortness of breath, rapid heart rate and I was lightheaded. I live in Texas and it’s been over 100 degrees for the past ten days. I’m also anemic. I could have listened to the first ER and just gone about my business (I did for the most part) but I’m glad I pushed and went to the larger ER.

I’ll never be fixed

Today started out normal. I came to work, made calls, checked emails and saw clients. Then I decided to look up some options for Nicu nurses day which is in September. That was a bad idea. I started seeing these gifts with “thank you for playing a role in a our safe delivery” and so on. My anxiety started rising and I felt my heart racing and the tears filling up in my eyes. My Daxton’s birthday is in 14 days. Nobody can tell you what the future holds. I’m still very angry at myself for not pushing more to find out what happened after I lost Declan and Dalton. I understand that nobody could have seen that coming but we should have learned from that and Daxton should not have died.

I’m wondering if I’m being selfish for wanting to try again. I’m disappointed in my body for killing my babies and I don’t know how I could handle another loss. Not for myself but for the baby. I feel in over my head. I’ve done a lot of research on NAIT but still how do I know everything will be fine next time. I don’t. It’s a chance I have to be willing to take. I’m tired from crying. I miss all my boys and I keep flashing back to the day I lost each of time. That feeling of helplessness and brokenness will never leave me. I don’t think any parent gets fixed from this type of loss. Sometimes I wonder how I’ve endured this pain time after time again. It’s not easy at all and some days it hits you out of nowhere like it did today.

I should probably be grateful that I do get pregnant easily now which wasn’t always the case. I see so many women just struggling to get pregnant. But in all honesty, if I knew this is what my life would be I would rather not have ever gotten pregnant. They say God doesn’t give us more than we can handle but I’m tired of being strong. I see how broken some women are after a failed transfer or a first trimester loss (both devastating) but I think of how much easier that would be to handle than the hand I’ve been dealt. I should add that I’ve had both of those as well so I’m speaking from my experience. Losing a child in utero makes it so hard to enjoy the next pregnancy.

I just want to be in my bed and sleep the day away. But of course life goes on….not for my sweet babies but I’m still expected to do my job. This day will pass but for now, I’m struggling.

The Dreaded Question…Again

I’ve been getting my feet wet with dating again and there’s always that question “do you have any kids?”. I’ve gotten pretty good at responding with “I don’t have any living children”. But today something crossed my mind. When I have my next child people will be asking “Is he your first?”. How do I say “No, I have 9 others who aren’t with me?”. It’s just so hard. If I just respond with “no” they’ll most likely follow up with how old the others are and I’ll be right back at that same awkward place.

I hate that I’m always and forever going to be a loss mom. I even feel bad when I respond with “I’ve had four who passed away”. It makes me feel like I’m not acknowledging my babies I lost in the first trimester. But when I explain all of that, I get the looks and the “aww” “oh my goodness” “you poor thing”.

This road is so dark and sometimes I feel like I’ll never find the light.

Lingering pain…

Today my mind keeps going back and forth between memories of my oldest son Anferney and my most recent ex Alphonso. Me and my ex still talk almost everyday about what happened and why it’s it’s draining. Everyday I tell myself this will be the last day I talk to him because it’s getting us nowhere. All the questions have been answered but there is still lingering pain.

I was watching Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix at work to pass the time by when I’m not busy and I’ve noticed certain words are triggers for me. Words like “time of death” “bicarbonate” “Nicu” and seeing ventilators….all that brings lingering pain.

I’m missing the happy times. It’s interesting how one decision A or B can drastically change the direction of our lives. If Anferney was still alive I wonder what my life would have been like. Probably less painful. Well obviously less painful but I also mean probably less painful as far as relationships. I have a feelings his dad and I would have worked things out….longer than we tried after he died.

I miss the happy times with Alphonso. I miss being wanted to and cared for. He still cares but it seems like it’s more of a human courtesy care. He doesn’t want something bad to happen to me. I miss when he cared all around and wanted to make me happy.

I know one day it won’t hurt this much and I look forward to that day. But with my babies, the pain creeps up at any given time and unfortunately that pain….will be with me for the rest of my life.

Someone who inspires me

The journal prompt for today is someone who inspires you and why. For years the answer to this question was always my mother. But as we get older we see things differently than we did we were kids. My mother is a hardworking woman and who my siblings and I all get our work ethic from.

But today there are four somebodies who inspire me and they are my children. Simple. Nothing to think about. They are the driving force behind everything I do. I want to make my babies proud and their lives although short meant so much.

I truly know the meaning of “life is too short”. I buried babies who didn’t even take a breath outside of my womb. I am all they knew so I can’t waste my life.

Anferney, Declan, Dalton and Daxton….you boys are my biggest inspiration. You showed me what love means and that is the greatest gift of all.

One thing I’d like to do more…

So I keep saying I’m going to use journal prompts and I never do. Well I decided to just go for it today and this was the prompt “One thing you’d like to do more”. This is a very hard question for me because I have been down in the dumps for the past few months.

But when I got home after work this evening, I looked around my apartment and thought “This is mine. I pay all the bills here and everything in here is mine. It’s not just a basic apartment, it’s a very nice apartment.” I thought about how some people don’t have a place to live. I looked around at my two bedroom, two bathroom gorgeous apartment and felt proud. So I’d like to appreciate myself and my accomplishments more. I’m a very successful woman. I’m incredibly intelligent, determined and very beautiful inside and outside. I mean stunningly beautiful and most days I don’t even realize it. I’m not being conceited. Honestly, I’ve been feeling bad about myself for some time now. It’s hard to feel beautiful and confident when you keep getting played. I’ve always felt like I’m not enough. I have all these men who are interested in me and I’m super picky. But even when I finally decide to give someone a chance, it doesn’t last very long.

I thought my last relationship was going to be the one that would have lasted forever. I was the perfect girlfriend to who I believed was the perfect boyfriend. But he was faking who he was. All the while I was thinking I’m not enough for him, it seems he thought he wasn’t enough for me because he completely lied about who he was, perhaps in an attempt to impress me. But he really didn’t have to do all that because I was just happy to have been finally accepted for who I am and loved for who I am. I thought he genuinely loved me. He was my rock….my boulder. But even when I found out all the lies he told and that he actually was in another relationship for months prior to starting a relationship with me, as angry and hurt as I was, there was a part of me that didn’t want to let him go.

This led to me realize that I have major daddy issues. I’m being completely transparent here and it’s scary. I’m a therapist and I have daddy issues. This is the reason I latch on to men and don’t want to let go even when I know they are no good for me. It takes a lot for me to say yes but when I do, letting go isn’t easy. My parents didn’t have a good relationship…they still don’t. My father cheated on my mom since before I was even born. I remember going to other women’s homes with him when I was three years old. I remember lots of different women sleeping in my parents bed. My mother used to work the night shift so she wasn’t home at night time. I got my mom her divorce lawyer when I was 21. My parents got back together when I was 26 and honestly I’m not sure if they are still married or not but I do know he is married to another woman in a different country but when there is an event and both of my parents are there, they are very much together. So you see why I have daddy issues? I mean what the hell is that? My mother always worked hard to provide for us and my father worked hard when he felt like it. My father is actually one of the nicest men on the planet but he wasn’t a very good provider. He didn’t show me what a man should be for a woman. I don’t put up with men cheating on me but instead of walking away just like that, I linger for a while. Because my father worked hard sometimes, a lot of bills fell on my mother and she always made things happen. Now do you see why I chose to be a single mother? I figure at least I know it’s just me right from the beginning. I would hate to have someone there and think they are my partner but yet everything still falls on me. So I don’t really know how to be in a relationship and I don’t know how two parents are supposed to function. But I know what’s not supposed to happen.

In closing, I’d like to think I am enough someday. I’m not there yet but in the meantime, I’d really like to look around me and appreciate all that I have. I made all this happen….by myself. I may not have any living children and that hurts like hell but I have tried and I went through all those pregnancies and losses by myself. I am strong. I may not have a man yet who sees how incredible I am and doesn’t want anyone else to have me and that’s okay. I’ve been through so much. I’m not for the weak. It’ll take a very strong man to be my man because I am a strong woman. I’ve already done so much by myself. There are times I’ve downplayed my success and abilities in order to boost the ego of the man I’m with. I won’t do that anymore. I didn’t become this woman overnight and I am damn proud of who I am. With my most recent ex, I made myself smaller to accommodate how great I thought he was. I could tell he was intimidated and I wanted him to know he was the man in the relationship. I nursed his pride and I made him feel needed. He was great to me, and was very supportive but he was not real with me. I guess in a way, I wasn’t real with him either. He knew I was very strong and he always told me he admired me for the person I am after everything I’ve been through. I thought he broke me when I found out about the other woman and all the lies, but interestingly, just as he had put me back together after I lost Daxton, he put me back together. He forced me to finally realize I have daddy issued and I will begin to work on overcoming them.